Discover more from The Retroist
The Worst Robot Art of the Sega Genesis
Robots. These wonders of technology have been the bad guys in video games for just about as long as video games have been around. As modern mechanical masters of mayhem, Robots get destroyed in countless waves by gun-toting heroes and ultra-sleek space ships. Now, combine this with the ultimate power of blast processing and you have a match made in heaven. . . and some video game covers from hell. That’s right, this time Cart Art is taking a look at the crap-tastic combination of terrible robots covers and the Sega Genesis. So load up your positronic brain and strap on that arm-mounted laser cannon, because we are about to do what nintendon’t.
In the future, there will be robots…dumpy, fat, two-tone robots. I understand that when things get printed, fewer colors are used to save money in the printing process, but there are other colors on the cover. Why is the robot just blue and red? Couldn’t throw in a little magenta or chartreuse or other such fun sounding color names. I am still trying to figure out why the robot has something that looks kind of like a Commodore 64 keyboard coming out of its gut. I am also trying to figure out why the end of the human soldiers’ gun looks like a cheerleader’s megaphone, but this Cart Art is not about terrible rifle design, it is about robots. Humpty Dumpty robots, but robots nonetheless.
Contra: Hard Corps
When they put a bad guy robot on the cover, isn’t it supposed to instill fear or something? I feel like the robot is just a happy-go-lucky kind of sort who was just living in his factory when some gung-ho soldier busts in guns blazing. I mean, look at that smile on the robot. He’s not mean or bent on the destruction of humanity, he’s just smiling (side note: why does a robot need teeth?). How evil can a robot be if it has a series of tan tennis balls for fingers? Yet, even with its big toothy smile and sports equipment hands, I still want to shoot the thing. Guess that’s means mission accomplished for this cover, but perhaps not in the way originally intended.
I have been looking at this cover for a while now and only one, constant, overriding thought is stuck in my head. Is it me, or does the robot on this cover look depressed? I get the sense that after decades of crushing humanity under its cold steel foot, this robot has yet to fill that giant void in its dark, fission powered heart. Perhaps the bot longs for a more simple life, like that of an automobile assemble line welder or a pneumatic punch card organizer. Or the robot could be depressed after looking in the mirror and realizing what a fat neck it has. In either case, behind that one elongated red eye is a sad robotic being, a metallic manic depressive who dreams of destroying the human race has left it empty and unsatisfied. Much like the cover leaves me.
Rise of the Robots
Dear Metal Lords,
When you come for us in your never ending quest to extinguish all humanity, I need to point something out. I get that we are soft, fleshy life forms, often out of shape and doughy. However, do we need to be reminded of this as you are killing us with your solid blue super muscular death machines. Robots should not have six-pack abs and pectorals the size of bowling balls. Thank you for your time.
Awaiting death at your metal hands.
Just in case you are wondering, the little blue sticker looking thing adverting that this game has music by Brian May, well that is the Brian May, guitarist and songwriter of the band Queen (as well as a Ph.D. in astrophysics). In truth, only one part of a song by Brian May appears in the game, so please do not go and try to play this terrible game thinking you will get to hear music by a living guitar god. The pain and suffering are not worth it.
In all honesty, the entire reason for this post was to feature this cover. I own this game, and it’s awful cover and ever since I have started doing these articles, I have wanted to use this cover. The one thing that irks me the most is what is under the weird rock cover robots left (to your right) arm? What did that tortoise do to deserve having its shell ripped from its body and used as an elbow guard? I could go on and on about why does this robot is wearing what looks like metal underoos or about that poorly drawn orc thingy in the background, but really, it’s all about that turtle shell.
Why is it there? It is such a stark contrast to the robot’s design and coloration. That poor, poor reptile. I would shed a tear for you, but that would be a sign of weakness and would cause my instant termination via our electronic emperors.