Hey Skinny! Yer ribs are showing! or The Retroist Goes to the Beach
Allow me to share a glimpse from my upcoming autobiographical short film, "The Retroist Goes to the Beach." Sit back and enjoy.
EXT. SUNNY BEACH – DAY
We find ourselves on a warm summer day at the picturesque Jersey Shore. The Retroist and his girlfriend, Tanya Roberts, are joyfully frolicking by the water's edge.
The Retroist is sporting a classic one-piece bathing suit, while Tanya embodies the essence of Kiri from "The Beastmaster."
The Retroist (laughing) Well, Tanya – no, I mean Kiri – I must say, I'm truly relishing this wonderful time at lovely Sandy Hook.
Tanya (laughing) You're not alone, The Retroist. I'm having an absolute blast. And now, let's savor our Fried Chicken Picnic.
They settle down on a red checkered blanket and dig into a bucket of fried chicken that looks tantalizingly crispy. Although it's hard to tell, it might just be the extra crispy variety rather than the original recipe.
And then, making a grand entrance, we have Big Tom Hill – a man as massive as a mountain, fittingly named after one.
Big Tom Hill (addressing Tanya) Hey there, Tanya. How's it going? I'm Big Tom Hill, and I've got my eyes on that chicken of yours.
The Retroist (with a hint of complaint) Hold on a minute! This chicken feast is ours!
Big Tom Hill (laughing) Oh, settle down, little man. I can see you're heating up. Why not cool off with a swim?
With that, Big Tom effortlessly lifts The Retroist and tosses him beyond the sandbar. He then settles down next to Tanya on the blanket. His muscles glisten and ripple in the sun.
Tanya (thanking Big Tom) Thanks a bunch, Big Tom. I must admit, feasting was a bit of a challenge with that pint-sized distraction around.
Big Tom Hill (nodding) I get it. Weakness doesn't exactly stimulate the appetite. Now, let's get ready for our own feast.
He flexes his muscles, and Tanya can't help but swoon. As they dive into their feast, the scene shifts.
In the background, we catch a glimpse of The Retroist – or what's left of him – being devoured by a group of sharks.
And then, the scene fades to black, leaving us with a mix of humor and the unexpected.
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