Breakfast Cereal is the food of the gods. Little known fact, Norse deities would cast down judgment from on high while eating a heaping bowl of Lucky Charms. What is awesome about cereal? The crunch? The fact it stays crunchy in milk? The cool colors it turns the milk and eventually your stool? No! No! No! Its the sugar baby! The sugar! Sadly America has become more health conscience and we cereal eaters must look towards a new future. A sugar is a four letter word (suga?) and cereal tastes like Tiger Power!
I buy a lot of cereal and I mean A lot and nothing makes my heart race more then passing an endcap at the supermarket and seeing a new box of cereal. So this week I jumped for joy when I not only saw two new cereal but both were spin offs of old favorites. A new Fruity Pebbles with even more marshmallows. Oh Man! and Tiger Power a new Cereal from my main man/tiger Tony. I grabbed them both without a blinking and ran home skipping gayly all the way.
I put away the Fruity Pebbles. I have had them before with marshmallows and this box only promises more of the same. So I greedily ripped open the Tiger Power barely glancing at the box. The nuggets look brown and it kind of smells like Honey Nut Cheerios. Upon further inspection of it, I realized that this is one of those new “healthy” cereals. A lightly sweetened whole grain, keep you regular sort of thing. Oh well, its Tony the Tiger, they have to hide the white gold somewhere in these paw shaped nuggets. Without hesitation I poured my self a heaping bowl.
And…its ok. No joyful sugar rush. Sure it doesn’t get soggy but the leftover milk at the bottom of the bowl tastes like … gasp … milk.
I felt let down and dejected, but I have been let down by so many products before. Why is this cereal disappointing me so much? I think I know why. Because for the last couple of decades all I have been shoveling down my gullet is sugar pellets soaked in whole milk and NOW Kelloggs decides to switch to a healthier cereal when the boat has already sailed for me! Am I supposed to find this cereal enjoyable when I am used to eating cereal with at least 3x the amount of sugar?
Of course Kellogg is not at fault. Its my own fault for having an addictive personality and a sugar fetish. But still look at this box:
This is the future and man is that kid really skinny. Is that how a healthy kid is supposed to look? I had no idea. Now compare that with cereal boxes from my youth:
I can’t put my finger on it, but something just ain’t right in cereal town. Someone call the sheriff.