Hey fiends! Guess what, I got a promotion here at The Retroist Vault! Now I get to man the concession booth, ticket stand and run the projector, all for the same pay…wait a minute… I think someone may have pulled a fast one on the ol’ Ouija Board Kid, but I guess it was to be expected seeing as how Doug McCoy, Claymation Werewolf and Phishbon3s are all “too injured” to report to work. I mean, c’mon it was just a little light mauling by savage Yeti’s in subzero temperatures for a week.
Anyway, after The Projectionist crawled up from the sub-basement of the Vault and removed Violent Vic Sage’s hands from my neck (where I’m sure they were placed in a friendly hug for my valiant efforts in running the projector while my co-workers were too busy frolicking in the snow to do any real work) to spirit him away for a special project, he handed me the keys and left your’s cruelly to run the show!
I just want to assure you all that the standard sub-standard levels of quality will continue to be met each and every week here at The Vault, and what better way to celebrate our lofty ambitions than with a cinematic equivalent of a dirty diaper from our ol’ pal Larry Buchanan. Yup, it’s none other than one of his (in)famous made for TV A.I.P remakes entitled Creature of Destruction (but fright fans will immediately recognize it as a color retelling of Edward L. Cahn’s The She Creature).
Well, here’s hoping my co-workers make a swift recovery, oh btw I would be remiss if I didn’t mention our new “hamburgers” that are on sale 2 for 1 in our lobby.
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