**One Monster’s continuing mission to explore strange new (old) cartoons. Shows he has never seen! Watched in small segments and reviewed immediately. No research! No rewinds! No shame! Join me as I embarrass myself for your reading pleasure. This is Full Moon Reviews!**
Today on Claymation Sports Broadcasting we have an exciting match lined up for you!! Okay not really but I am reviewing a sports cartoon… Prostars was a cartoon in the 80’s…or possibly early 90’s but I am actually not aware of whether I knew of it’s existence or not. Staring Wayne Gretsky, Bo Jackson and Michael Jordan
(I don’t know if the real voices were used but I’m gonna guess no.) I don’t know if the show focused on their sports careers or if they were some kind of action team fighting evil athletes (I was gonna make a joke here about the evil athletes they could be facing but I don’t actually know enough about sports to even attempt it…Jose Conseco? Is that a good one?) At any rate for your reading “pleasure” I now present my Full Moon Review of:
Prostars The Perbots of Dr Lobe!
So far this cartoon is looking ridiculous. I think ego’s may have come into play just a teeny bit in the production of this cartoon. The opening feels like it takes up the entirety of part one and has little pieces of actiony animation mixed in with hilight reel footage of our heroes playing their respective sports. There’s a theme song set to the tune of “we will rock you” that is the most absurd thing ever…it basically boils down to lyrics with this message:
“this guy plays a sport!”
“He’s good at everything!”
“Watch him run around!”
‘Wow that was really cool!”
“We are. We are.”
Michael Jordan (who apparently has rocket powered shoes in this world) can’t even be bothered to lend his incredibly awkward video introduction (which Gretsky and Jackson apparently have no shame about doing)
Insert what huh?
The interview type weird opening thing is cut short when words like Action. Danger. And my personal favorite:
Start appearing on the screen which I suppose means were ready for action…or something…
The episode proper, starts out with some kind of weird sports kung fu match going down between Bo and Wayne with MJ as the Ref. It’s baseball bat vs. hockey stick in a no olds barred test of mainly prowess!
Insert awkward position.
Theres a woman that all of them call Mom which makes me wonder if this is some kind of grown up sports based version of the muppet babies and she’s nanny and all their adventures are just taking place in their minds while they spend all day hanging out in this diner! Hmmm.
So Mom is a tiny mean little woman who is apparently some kind of super powered athletic paragon and task master! (just like Nanny!) For a while I couldn’t tell if she was supposed to be German, Russian or Yiddish (the voice actor was a little, all over the map with the inflection) but one “oy vey” later, and mystery solved! Jamaican!
The boys get their latest mission. It seems an evil scientist has sent a video disk. He has created robots or Perbots (I don’t know if the name is supposed to be some kind of joke…maybe, perfect robots?) Anyway, he challenges our heroes to an Olympics robots against people and seals the deal by showing them his innocent hostage!
I don’t know if the hostage was an actual character on the show but she knew who the pro stars where…Im also picking up on a little more character development. They’re going with the Alvin and the Chipmunks standard: Bo is the hothead leader/rebel, Wayne is the innocent ditzy one, and Michael is the tall skinny, brainy one. This mission Nanny…I mean Mom has decided to come along because she thinks the boys are getting soft.
Now that were in the second part of the show we finally get a little insight into the motivations of Dr Loeb. He wants to prove to the world that his evil robots are superior to puny humans and replace all athletes with robots and amass a fortune!!! (yeah I don’t really follow it either)
After the guys huddle up and decide they need to try to win this thing (I thought that was the point the whole time) Bo is up first in the Baseball competition. Using some suped up equipment he manages to beat the robot! One down, and if my guess is correct, two to go.
I could be wrong! MJ climbs the stadium walls and jumps to the center of the stadium where the hostage is being held by a magnetic beam above chomping metal teeth. Amazed the girl asks how he got up there and he replies something to the affect of. “The tensill strength in my quads effectively propelled my body at a 60 degree angle.” oy vey indeed.
Dr Loeb releases his basketball perbot who goes after Michael before he can pull the plug on the magnet machine he tries to laugh it off but soon finds out the hard way that he probably shoulda taken it seriously. That perbot wasn’t a buss driver but he totally took MJ to school!
Michael begins to plummet back to earth and Ditzy Gretsky has to remind him to activate his shoes and avoid the whole “dying” thing. The shoes turn out to have springs in them so he springs safely on the ground then springs around the stadium, springs over the perbot and springs into the air and kills the perbot with the basketball then he grabs Wayne and Bo and they all spring up and down in celebration.
The evil dr then unveils the most important athletic event of all!! …ice hockey? The electro-robot hockey monster steps out and Wayne Gretsky steps forward and in the time honored tradition of Shaggy, he leaps, shaking into the arms of Bo Jackson and refuses to meet the challenge.
Wayne beats the hockey perbot in a action packed, slaptick fueled hockey match. Then the evil Dr Loab releases all the perbots, but MJ has a plan! He finds the plug, contacts the other pro stars!
I should point out here that Bo knows rescues….he says so himself!
They send Mom to fly the ship and they set out to do battle with the evil machines. Bo and Wayne get to put back on their awesome Karate Kid headbands from the beginning of the show and prepare to kick some metal butt!
They fight the robots until they get bailed out by Mom in the jet and run away from the fight. Michael pulls the plug and they catching the falling Hostage Jill. On the way out they capture Dr Loeb via a hook on the nose of the jet (not as violent as it sounds) and live a giant booby trapped stadium full of killer robots just sitting there.
We head back to the diner for our closing scene. Jill thanks them for saving her and MJ goes into a speech about how if she ever needs help in the future they’ll be there to save her again…. Jill is in her parent’s car driving down the street halfway through this speech so Im not really sure who Mike is talking to but oh well!
This show was alright I guess. It’s weird that Michael couldn’t be bothered to do any of the live action footage, I mean it was clearly remotely recorded…he couldn’t sit down for five minutes to record a couple intro lines or interview questions? (in the end the players where asked a couple questions by kids framed in sports cards.) Also the whole show felt very Canadian…don’t know if it was or not but I noticed a few cannuck accents in the show (voice actors are as thick as flies in the great white north) That would also explain the whole “Most important game! Ice Hockey!” thing. And hey, Michael didn’t even perform any action in the cartoon!! He bounced a little and threw a ball! Once! He didn’t fight robots, he didn’t even spar in the beginning. It’s like MJ told the producers that not only did he not want to contribute much, he didn’t even want his animated self to be to involved! And another thing…