Oh man I love the Goonies. Its one of the films that shaped my childhood, nay, my life. So wanting to play the Nintendo game of this masterpiece was pretty high on the list:
‘Things to do before I die’.
Unfortunately Goonies was never released on any hardware outside of Japan what we got in the west was the second in the series: Goonies 2. “That’s fine” I though to myself. “The second game would have all the great bits from the first one honed to near ecstatic awesomeness!”. I was wrong… I have not to this day played the original game so I have nothing to compare Konami’s final outing of the Goonies ethos to. Would that change my opinion of this game? Probably not, Goonies II: The Fratellis’ Last stand is so bad that, while playing the game to completion I tried to find anything to take my mind of it. Things as outlandish as spring cleaning the house, genital torture and at one point I even considered leaving the house! Needless to say I did not do any of these things because, I like my genitals the way they are, my house is fairly clean right now and “lol outside” so I ploughed on through start to finish. Upon inserting the cartridge please for the love of One Eyed Willy press start as soon as humanly possible otherwise you will be treated (I use the term loosely) to a cut-scene (of sorts) Of The Fratellis with Ma front and centre doing the most unsettling eye freakout ever seen on Nintendo hardware. If you do this you will miss out on plot points but seeing as there are more definitive explanations about plot exposition in a cliffhanger episode of ‘Lost’ than this game it shouldn’t bother you much. Let me break it down into bitesize CHUNKS (see what I did there?). So you can deal with the toilet pebble-dashing enduing gameplay aspects in a more manageable “Oh I had carrots for lunch?” succinct package.
Graphics: Are blocky and a certain amount of imagination usually reserved for an Atari 2600 session will be needed to continue on your futile exploration of this game.
Sound: Music is awesome but seeing as that doesn’t fit into my unabridged bashing of this game we will move swiftly on.
Gameplay: would be more akin to stabbing out your eyes with a spoon or breaching your rectum with a pirate ship than to Nintendo (or in fact Konami) gameplay. The controls for your character are stiff, unresponsive and when you go into 1st person mode the direction you tap to traverse this ‘3D’ world will change every time you go into a different room. This game is non-linear and where that can be really cool, in this game it’s a chore. You have to go back and forth through each stage till you find the thing that helps you find the other thing that you need to find another thing and aARRGRGHHH I HAte ThiS GaME SO MUCh! Even navigating the Menus is more difficult than dangling your genitalia in a lion’s mouth and being able to continue breeding afterwards.
Ok breathe in… and… release…. Agrapphghghgarrghaaaa! Nope I still want to take a mouse trap to my nose and flick lit cigarette ends at the underside of my knees. This game is terrible! You should not play this game ever, ever ever ever. With great boxart and a soundtrack that will make you feel like cat on trash day you get suckered into wandering aimlessly around each stage not knowing where you need to go how to get there or why you should be doing it. At the end of the game you realise that your burden is to free a mermaid called Annie (remember her from the film? sure you do she was the one.. she was.. you know… the one… yea she’s totally fabricated.) I mean a MERMAID? A god damn MERMAID! Double you… Tee… Eff game, Double you Tee Eff… I’m close to tears now so as a way to round up this review and before I scrape vomit off my Joypad I will give this game 2 out of 5 stars it should be 1 but the music is excellent and I love the original film so much that I want this game to be good, I really do! Instead its just a steaming pile of dog mess that deserves to be taken outside to let Travis go all Old Yeller on it (P.S. why the hell Is Mikey using a Molotov cocktail?).