All they had to do was groom their mustache or fluff their perfectly permed hair and stewardesses would swoon. A mere mention of their sensitive side and the all too caring nurse and tightly wound school teacher would peel of their cloths and leap into the faux-wood whirlpool hot tub. They were men, men of the 1970s and they were a mysterious lot.
Not much is know about them today save that they were very hairy and quite adept with the ladies. But how did they do it? Let’s take a look at some artifacts that they left behind and maybe we can spot some patterns that will reveal to we modern humans some of the secrets of Homo Groovus (Groovy Man).
Interesting, the 70’s man likes to drink. Does not seem much different from today’s man, but look how the woman is hanging on his broad shoulders. Surely it can’t just be the drink? Can it? I decided to follow up on the whole drinking thing and found this ad for Colony Wine. Which stars the great and powerful Spencer Milligan. You might know him better as Rick Marshall from Land of the Lost.
Now this guy is interesting. He is hairy, like the guy in the first ad, but he doesn’t have a mustache. So its not the mustache like I had hoped. Notice this guy has a very 1970’s hobby, photography. And see how he says up front, he takes pictures only for himself? That way if they suck he has an out. He isn’t taking pictures to please the world. He comes across as laid back, as confident — This Colony Wine guy is very clever. (Didn’t Drago in Rocky IV say he only fights for himself right before he loses? Clever Russian?)
Looking around that guys “pad” I didn’t notice anything out of the ordinary. Save that it was very masculine and had mellow music playing. I figured I would look into what music people in the 70’s enjoyed and found “Heartbeat”
So what do we see in common? Well both guys in these commercials have cool music, hot fireplaces, full heads of hair and confidence to spare. Could it be that simple? Could modern men have lost touch with these 4 simple Commandments that will deliver unto them all the women they could ever want? It couldn’t be this easy, these guys must be wealthy or famous right? Wrong! I was not able to find the Heartbeat guy, but the Colony Wine guy’s day job? Pharmacist.
So just remember if you want to be just like 1970’s man follow these 4 simple rules.
- Get some cool music. Air Supply works well and even Kenny Rogers will do in a pinch. Just make sure the music is about sweet love.
- Get the largest fireplace you can find and make sure it is always running. You never know when a Swedish door to door bikini saleswoman will come a knocking
- Hair! Grow it out. Get it thick and lustrous or permed. Remember you are the king and it is your crown.
- Be confident. Even if you have no idea what you are doing. Make sure everyone thinks you do. This applies to all things especially emergencies (plane crashes, tracheotomies)
Men, get these 4 things right and we could have a 1970’s renaissance. If you think that’s not the most awesome thing that could happen, let me just remind you of the sexy swinging stewardesses of “Flying High”.
Latest posts by Garry Vander Voort (see all)
- Retroist Sega Genesis Podcast - March 12, 2018
- I understand the negative reaction to Ready Player One - March 7, 2018
- Retroist Press Your Luck Podcast - March 5, 2018