Saturday Frights – The Loch Ness Horror (1981)

Saturday Frights - Sean Hartter
While I was trying to decide on this week’s tortur…err entertainment, my mind wandered back through the misty eons…farther and farther astray did my consciousness creep until it settled in that long forgotten age; the 1980’s. As my astral projection wandered to the entrance of my beloved Vault, a youngster burst forth from that aperture; tears escaping his eyes, which poured like hot rain to the cold concrete below. He stopped before me, and tilted his head to and fro as if he could see my incorporeal from. “Make them pay mister, make them all pay for what I’ve just seen!”

With that I awoke back in the projection booth with a film already loaded and starting to unspool. And that brings us to now. Let me just peer down and see what’s on the screen…The Loch Ness Horror…directed by Larry Buchanan? I am so sorry unspecified sad 1980’s kid, but believe me we are indeed all going to pay…

the-loch-ness-horror-movie-poster-1981-1020467281

Back when I was a more innocent ghoul, I caught this film on late night TV and applauded its unique Scottish locales as well as its use of authentic Scots which added to the atmosphere of the monstrous goings on. Well, guess what? This thing is as Scottish as Scotch Tape, and your ol’ pal The Ouija Board Kid was a seriously delusional young man who needed to leave his crypt a bit more often as this was filmed in Lake Tahoe and the actors have the most over the top phony accents ever committed to film. Here’s my accurate recreation of the casting process:

Larry B.: “Hey, actor #1, can you do a Scottish accent?”

Actor #1: “No.”

Larry B.: “You’re hired!”

So what do we get for our 89 minutes? Lots of padding, a creature that is represented only as a head and neck (although I’m not going to lie, I love that puppet), a Nazi plane and an axe wielding psycho who lives in an abandoned castle. And that’s it. Please visit the concession stand as you exit the building.

Screengrab from www.stomptokyo.com

Screengrab from www.stomptokyo.com


Anyway before I saunter off back to my coffin, I’d like to welcome Doug “Yeti (and apparently grinder) Proof” McCoy back to the Vault. He would also like to let everyone know that the hamburgers we offered last week are no longer on sale.

Great Retro Celts

The Scottish games are this weekend. As you can tell by the fully-Scottish name Douglas McCoy, I am a games enthusiast. I’ve never gotten to participate in the heavy events (fingers crossed for one day!) but I hear lots of bagpipes and eat lots of haggis and head home happy.

This year, the games got me thinking about how many of our retro heroes were Scottish, Irish, or some other sort of Celt. So it is with no small amount of ancestral pride that I offer this list.


John McClane

R. J. MacReady

Douglas Quaid
(Quaid is a variant form of McCoy. It is the Coy part without the Mc and with the original Aiodh spelled in a much different way. That means that I am really the hero of Total Recall!)

“Dirty” Harry Callahan

MacGyver


There are so many Mcs, Macs, and other Celts in the retro hero world that they were parodied by The Simpson’s McGarnagle.

As always, I’m sure there are a few I forgot. But this is enough to prove how vital we Celts are to the righting of wrongs and the survival of the human race. At least in the 80s.