Saturday Frights

Saturday Frights: King Diamond – The Family Ghost

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Holy cats; I can’t believe my handlers o’er at Famous Monsters of Filmland let me out o’ my crypt for a day! And what better way to spend said day then to saunter on o’er to my auld stompin’ grounds; The Retroist Vault!

Hey Vic! Hey Big Poppa “P”! Hello? Now where in the e’er lovin’ hoary hells is e’eryone? Well, I guess I’ll just wander around until they show up…oh, man; the hot dog machine! Hello ol’ friend; I see you are still filled with as many toe-nail clippings as I remember. And there’s the nacho machine…awww, they left all of my hairs in place cloggin’ up the cheese tubes!

Well, since no one is here; I guess I have the run o’ the place! Maybe I should throw on some tunes…what’s this? “Projectionist’s Polka Party”?!! Out ya go my man! Ahh…this is better…think I’ll just leave this playin’ for when ol’ Vicious Vic and the P-man return…man, I wish I could see their faces!!!

Saturday Frights: Squelettes – Nous Nous Appelons Les Squelettes

Holy Cats creeps! Roll up, roll up and gaze into the face of pure, raw horror the likes of which mortals were ne’er meant to endure! Behold the stark terror! Experience a world gripped by chaos and pain! See the skeletons of Tom Baker and his hipster friend…who are…well…they are playing a song for some sugar rushin’ kids and…and…a pineapple? What in the he…

I need a jelly baby and a bucket of gin…

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Saturday Frights: Critters: Bounty Hunter (2014)

Holy cats creeps, I can’t believe how nostalgic it is for the ol’ Ouija Board Kid Daniel XIII, to be mannin’ the projector once again here in the Vault! Ya see, when my pal and your’s, the putrid Projectionist, gave the Crypt o’ XIII a ring and said he needed an emergency replacement for vicious Vic Sage (who claims he came down with Captain Trips…but methinks ’tis weird this plague struck shortly after I saw him exiting Best Buy with that Facts of Life complete series box set…and we all know he’s all about that Blair, ’bout that Blair, no Cindy) I had no choice but to obey…mostly because of that contract signed in blood…

Anyway, you’re stuck with the Cool Ghoul…and I’m going to treat you right! I thought long and hard about what to show you fiends, and what I came up with was a lil’ flick that features a perfect representation of you…a short, hairy beast with a voracious appetite…that also ejects poisonous quills (that’s right, I read your comments, and those barbs can sting!).

So, grab your snacks, and hold yer baby tight, ‘cuz the Crites are loose tonight!!!

And remember, if you don’t like tonight’s feature…

Saturday Frights: Rock n’ Roll Nightmare on Elm Street

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Now readin’ that little title up there, you folks are thinking one of two things; 1. Jon Mikl Thor and Robert Englund sang a duet together, or 2. the ol’ Ouija Board Kid is going to be blastin’ yer ear holes with all of the top jamzzz from the various Freddy flicks. Well, the reality lies somewhere in the middle…

I mean, The Nightmare series has produced classick tunes like this perennial favorite:

And this silly @$$ nonsense:

But no series is immune to the law of diminishing returns, so when Dokken was too costly we got:

and instead of the ol’ Fat Boys:

But while the films were at least trying to create a decent soundtrack someone else was just trying to finance that beach front property in Malibu…

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I’m not going to beat around the bush; this thing was the biggest piece of fart ever produced. Don’t believe me? Take a listen to this:

Way to phone it in Bobby.

Hey remember all those times you wished for a really poor cover of an obscure 60’s song jam packed with the snorts and chortles of a reality bending dream demon? Well, allow ol’ Daniel XIII to play the role of Wishmaster:

Believe me, Freddy “did” everyone that got suckered into buying this. Anyway, that’s enough for one night. I’ll just leave you with something to think about; someone thought it would be cool to not only create a children’s album featuring a character whose only goal in life (and death) was killing children, but they threw a little ditty on there all about where he committed those crimes :