Saturday Frights

Saturday Frights: King Diamond – The Family Ghost


Holy cats; I can’t believe my handlers o’er at Famous Monsters of Filmland let me out o’ my crypt for a day! And what better way to spend said day then to saunter on o’er to my auld stompin’ grounds; The Retroist Vault!

Hey Vic! Hey Big Poppa “P”! Hello? Now where in the e’er lovin’ hoary hells is e’eryone? Well, I guess I’ll just wander around until they show up…oh, man; the hot dog machine! Hello ol’ friend; I see you are still filled with as many toe-nail clippings as I remember. And there’s the nacho machine…awww, they left all of my hairs in place cloggin’ up the cheese tubes!

Well, since no one is here; I guess I have the run o’ the place! Maybe I should throw on some tunes…what’s this? “Projectionist’s Polka Party”?!! Out ya go my man! Ahh…this is better…think I’ll just leave this playin’ for when ol’ Vicious Vic and the P-man return…man, I wish I could see their faces!!!

Saturday Frights: Squelettes – Nous Nous Appelons Les Squelettes

Holy Cats creeps! Roll up, roll up and gaze into the face of pure, raw horror the likes of which mortals were ne’er meant to endure! Behold the stark terror! Experience a world gripped by chaos and pain! See the skeletons of Tom Baker and his hipster friend…who are…well…they are playing a song for some sugar rushin’ kids and…and…a pineapple? What in the he…

I need a jelly baby and a bucket of gin…


Saturday Frights: Critters: Bounty Hunter (2014)

Holy cats creeps, I can’t believe how nostalgic it is for the ol’ Ouija Board Kid Daniel XIII, to be mannin’ the projector once again here in the Vault! Ya see, when my pal and your’s, the putrid Projectionist, gave the Crypt o’ XIII a ring and said he needed an emergency replacement for vicious Vic Sage (who claims he came down with Captain Trips…but methinks ’tis weird this plague struck shortly after I saw him exiting Best Buy with that Facts of Life complete series box set…and we all know he’s all about that Blair, ’bout that Blair, no Cindy) I had no choice but to obey…mostly because of that contract signed in blood…

Anyway, you’re stuck with the Cool Ghoul…and I’m going to treat you right! I thought long and hard about what to show you fiends, and what I came up with was a lil’ flick that features a perfect representation of you…a short, hairy beast with a voracious appetite…that also ejects poisonous quills (that’s right, I read your comments, and those barbs can sting!).

So, grab your snacks, and hold yer baby tight, ‘cuz the Crites are loose tonight!!!

And remember, if you don’t like tonight’s feature…