When I was a kid, one of my grandmas used to clean houses as a part time job. The occupants of one of the houses she cleaned bought every silly tabloid out there on the stands, including the National Enquirer and Weekly World News. Instead of throwing the old issues away she would always bring them home. When my sister and I would go visit, we would literally dive into the pile, reading all the articles in an attempt to find the craziest ones.
In high school I took a current events class and one of our assignments was to bring a newspaper article each week to talk about in front of the class. The teacher didn’t care what the articles were about, as long as you could talk about them for 2 minutes. Each week I went down to the local supermarket and picked up a copy of the Weekly World News and would bring an article from it. My teacher once told me, “the idea of the assignment was to bring something newsworthy.” How could the Loch Ness Monster being pregnant with Bigfoot’s baby not be newsworthy???
Google Books now has every episode of the Weekly World News online for free reading, from 2007 back to 1980. If you did not see the first photos of Heaven, hear about Bigfoot’s Love Slave, or read about the space alien that was shot by a Nevada hunter, you owe it to yourself to flip through this archive.
The Loch Ness Monster’s baby will thank you.
Link: Weekly World News on Google Books
While I was trying to decide on this week’s tortur…err entertainment, my mind wandered back through the misty eons…farther and farther astray did my consciousness creep until it settled in that long forgotten age; the 1980’s. As my astral projection wandered to the entrance of my beloved Vault, a youngster burst forth from that aperture; tears escaping his eyes, which poured like hot rain to the cold concrete below. He stopped before me, and tilted his head to and fro as if he could see my incorporeal from. “Make them pay mister, make them all pay for what I’ve just seen!”
With that I awoke back in the projection booth with a film already loaded and starting to unspool. And that brings us to now. Let me just peer down and see what’s on the screen…The Loch Ness Horror…directed by Larry Buchanan? I am so sorry unspecified sad 1980’s kid, but believe me we are indeed all going to pay…
Back when I was a more innocent ghoul, I caught this film on late night TV and applauded its unique Scottish locales as well as its use of authentic Scots which added to the atmosphere of the monstrous goings on. Well, guess what? This thing is as Scottish as Scotch Tape, and your ol’ pal The Ouija Board Kid was a seriously delusional young man who needed to leave his crypt a bit more often as this was filmed in Lake Tahoe and the actors have the most over the top phony accents ever committed to film. Here’s my accurate recreation of the casting process:
Larry B.: “Hey, actor #1, can you do a Scottish accent?”
Actor #1: “No.”
Larry B.: “You’re hired!”
So what do we get for our 89 minutes? Lots of padding, a creature that is represented only as a head and neck (although I’m not going to lie, I love that puppet), a Nazi plane and an axe wielding psycho who lives in an abandoned castle. And that’s it. Please visit the concession stand as you exit the building.
Screengrab from www.stomptokyo.com
Anyway before I saunter off back to my coffin, I’d like to welcome Doug “Yeti (and apparently grinder) Proof” McCoy back to the Vault. He would also like to let everyone know that the hamburgers we offered last week are no longer on sale.