Saturday Frights – The Loch Ness Horror (1981)

Saturday Frights - Sean Hartter
While I was trying to decide on this week’s tortur…err entertainment, my mind wandered back through the misty eons…farther and farther astray did my consciousness creep until it settled in that long forgotten age; the 1980’s. As my astral projection wandered to the entrance of my beloved Vault, a youngster burst forth from that aperture; tears escaping his eyes, which poured like hot rain to the cold concrete below. He stopped before me, and tilted his head to and fro as if he could see my incorporeal from. “Make them pay mister, make them all pay for what I’ve just seen!”

With that I awoke back in the projection booth with a film already loaded and starting to unspool. And that brings us to now. Let me just peer down and see what’s on the screen…The Loch Ness Horror…directed by Larry Buchanan? I am so sorry unspecified sad 1980’s kid, but believe me we are indeed all going to pay…

the-loch-ness-horror-movie-poster-1981-1020467281

Back when I was a more innocent ghoul, I caught this film on late night TV and applauded its unique Scottish locales as well as its use of authentic Scots which added to the atmosphere of the monstrous goings on. Well, guess what? This thing is as Scottish as Scotch Tape, and your ol’ pal The Ouija Board Kid was a seriously delusional young man who needed to leave his crypt a bit more often as this was filmed in Lake Tahoe and the actors have the most over the top phony accents ever committed to film. Here’s my accurate recreation of the casting process:

Larry B.: “Hey, actor #1, can you do a Scottish accent?”

Actor #1: “No.”

Larry B.: “You’re hired!”

So what do we get for our 89 minutes? Lots of padding, a creature that is represented only as a head and neck (although I’m not going to lie, I love that puppet), a Nazi plane and an axe wielding psycho who lives in an abandoned castle. And that’s it. Please visit the concession stand as you exit the building.

Screengrab from www.stomptokyo.com

Screengrab from www.stomptokyo.com


Anyway before I saunter off back to my coffin, I’d like to welcome Doug “Yeti (and apparently grinder) Proof” McCoy back to the Vault. He would also like to let everyone know that the hamburgers we offered last week are no longer on sale.

Saturday Frights – Creature of Destruction

Saturday-Frights-Sean-Hartter

Hey fiends! Guess what, I got a promotion here at The Retroist Vault! Now I get to man the concession booth, ticket stand and run the projector, all for the same pay…wait a minute… I think someone may have pulled a fast one on the ol’ Ouija Board Kid, but I guess it was to be expected seeing as how Doug McCoy, Claymation Werewolf and Phishbon3s are all “too injured” to report to work. I mean, c’mon it was just a little light mauling by savage Yeti’s in subzero temperatures for a week.

Come up and See Me Sometime...

Come up and See Me Sometime…

Anyway, after The Projectionist crawled up from the sub-basement of the Vault and removed Violent Vic Sage’s hands from my neck (where I’m sure they were placed in a friendly hug for my valiant efforts in running the projector while my co-workers were too busy frolicking in the snow to do any real work) to spirit him away for a special project, he handed me the keys and left your’s cruelly to run the show!

I just want to assure you all that the standard sub-standard levels of quality will continue to be met each and every week here at The Vault, and what better way to celebrate our lofty ambitions than with a cinematic equivalent of a dirty diaper from our ol’ pal Larry Buchanan. Yup, it’s none other than one of his (in)famous made for TV A.I.P remakes entitled Creature of Destruction (but fright fans will immediately recognize it as a color retelling of Edward L. Cahn’s The She Creature).

Well, here’s hoping my co-workers make a swift recovery, oh btw I would be remiss if I didn’t mention our new “hamburgers” that are on sale 2 for 1 in our lobby.