Masters Of The Universe Meets Cormac McCarthy By Dax Delap!

Have you ever wondered how Cormac McCarthy might pen a comic book issue of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe? Thanks to longtime Retroist Regular, Dax, we now know the answer.

It’s a tongue in cheek look at when the strongest man in Eternia has a bad day…a very bad day.

[Via] Dax’s Tumblr Blog

I shot a quick e-mail to have the artist explain his reasoning for this particular illustration and he was kind enough to reply:

“Considering how powerful He-Man was supposed to be (I think there’s an episode of the classic cartoon where he picks up Castle Greyskull), I thought it would be funny to imagine what would happen if he decided to stop pulling his punches and wipe out all his foes at once. And then I started to imagine what it would be like for my He-Man to find himself in an existential crisis after that’s done and there’s no one left to contend with.”

Make sure to check out Dax’s blog for more illustrations…everything from General William Tecumseh Sherman to a Zando-Zan from the Last Starfighter!

Lost Eternian Christmas Newsreel!

Seasons greetings Coo-Coo Cola cult members! In our first of a series of recently discovered News Reels, allow me to present a transcription of one that’s especially suitable for this time of year! I now bring you “An Eternian Christmas”!

Dateline 4400. Eternia. It’s that time of year once again and all of country has began to busy itself with preparations for a real old-fashioned Eternian Christmas. Now let’s take a look at how Citizens across the country are preparing for this very special holiday season.

In the Shadow Swamps of the Southern Bog Lands, the annual harvest of the Christmas Flash Bushes have already begun and word is we’ve got a bumper crop this year! Our hardy crew of Moss Men Workers have been pulling double shifts selecting only the finest bushes and very few Moss Men have been eaten this year! Oops, spoke too soon! heh heh! Remember boys, it’s important to distinguish the difference between the festive Flash Bush and the man-eating Tarkroot Vine.

In the Western Desert Lands where the ravages of war rage on, our fighting men, women and monsters… and robots, are helping to keep all of us free to live as we always have. So when your decorating your cozy monster-shaped and/or skeleton-shaped house this year, be sure to remember our boys “over there”. Many have continued the tradition of Christmas care packages for the troops and the Eternian soldiers always appreciate a little bit of home, so the ESO is currently requesting Boiled Nighthawk Talons, Biono-Cigars, and of course, Gummy Blardz. Be sure to send our boys some Christmas Presents. As for us, our Christmas wish is that our troops send old Skeletor a “present” of his own!

Speaking of the ESO, let’s stop in on the annual Christmas concert and this year’s show was a real hum-dinger! It opened with an address to the troops from Gen. Duncan Manatarms. But no worries this time boys! The big cheese wasn’t conducting a surprise inspection! It was all about Peace and Goodwill. He wished everyone and their families the Merriest of Christmases and even promised all the hardworking troops an extra helping of roasted jungle root from the mess hall. Hahaha. Well, so much for goodwill!

Image Courtesy of Dietlimecoke

After the official season’s greetings from the military brass, the real show began. The performance opened with the comic stylings of those two court jesters; Orko and RamMan. And were they ever in rare form! After a few new gags, they knocked the crowd dead with their famous “Which Mutant?” routine. You can bet that those two jokesters are headed for big, big things! In fact, they will be hitting the pewter screen next year in their first film “Orko and RamMan meet the Mer-Man”. And last, but certainly not least, bringing her own special brand of *ahem* appeal to the festivities, was that super starlet Teela Manatarms. Teela performed several swell numbers, and was more lovely than the picture of her painted on the nose of a Wind Raider. Her show-stopping routine brought all our boys in armor to their feet! You can bet that there were more than a few cat-calls from the half-man half-panthers in the audience when this kitten hit the stage!

And finally the star on the top of this Christmas tree, an address by our very own kindly ruler Prince Adam! Or should we say San-tor Clause himself! Yes, the prince arrived at the Eternian Capital to bring good tidings to the adoring public. But, it didn’t stop there. Our St. Nick really got into the act, delivering 20 Attack Tracks full of presents and food to the local needy. I don’t mind telling you there was a lot of Christmas spirit in the air that day. Although Prince Adam played the part beautifully, there was no mistaking our mild-mannered monarch. He thinks that just by dawning a disguise that amounts to little more than changing clothes, he can pull the wool over our eyes. Well nothing doing! We Eternians are a little bit sharper than that. You have to wake up pretty early in the morning to fool us!

There was no word as to where He-man was during the Prince’s presentation, but hopefully he was around somewhere to protect our Prince. After all, while he may be a great and giving ruler word has it that his battle training has not gone as well as it could be.

So now we say goodbye to another Eternian Christmas. And though it will be another 413 days for the holidays to roll around again, before you know it we’ll all be building bionic snow monsters in the yard and lighting our Flash Bushes once again.

Until then my friends, from all of us to all of you, keep Christmas in your heart all the year long. Have a Merry Christmas and a very happy 4401!

The Moss, Man

Every once in a while, the normally stark life of a retro pop culture blogger has its perks. Sometimes you need to step away from the minutes upon minutes of research that go into good cartoon journalism. It’s great to let my fur down every once in a while and spend some quality time with the fictional characters I write about. Now, normally when I go off on these little jaunts I’m ready to party down; go out drinking Meade, Grog and other renaissance festivaly sounding beverages with Link and Zelda, sit in raw sewage eating pizza with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the list goes on an on. However a wolf can only take so much of that wild lifestyle before they begin to feel burned out. There are some occasions when my (much less often used) more dignified side surfaces. It was on one of these occasions recently that I found myself on a journey across Eternia, on the way to the royal palace.

I rode my souped-up cherry red 1967 Attack Track across the beautiful countryside. It was a glorious day/night and I had an amazing view of the moons all 3 or…4 or however the hell many moons they had now. As I approached the majestic towers of the castle, I saw something I had never seen before around the palace yards. It was a sight that chilled my spine and turned my stomach. It brought an unbelievable sense of fear and revulsion. What I saw…was poor people. Or, at least they appeared to be poor…but as I began to draw closer to the castle, the true magnitude of the terrible situation that I found myself in, came in to focus. The drums, the banners and signs, the chanting and singing…there was no doubt about it, we were dealing with protestors. Yes hipsters, hippies and various other riff-raff had taken up position around the castle gates with one singular purpose; to bother classy people.

Like any self respecting citizen I quickly made my way through the unwashed hoards of peasants. I shrugged past the man-spiders and the dancing topless warrior women being sure to hold my breath and not make eye contact and suddenly I saw him. An old friend among the heathens! The noble spy and pine scented bog warrior, Moss Man!

I couldn’t believe my eyes, a master of the universe in a drum circle! A DRUM CIRCLE! How could this have happened? I had to find out, so I approached my fuzzy green friend. It took a bit to get him to hear me above the noise and even longer to get my dazed friend to recognize me. When I had finally gained most of his attention I asked what on earth he was doing there among the rabble. Was this one of his spy missions? He chuckled and replied “No man I’m not spying! These,” he gestured toward a half mosquito-half human and a Viking jamming on acoustic guitars, “are my people.”
“Your people?” I said incredulously, “These hairy weirdos? You belong among gladiators! You were a titan! You used to compete in mortal battle with the forces of Skeletor! Or at the very least you hung out with people who did!”

“I aint fightin Skeletor no more man, I aint fightin nobody…‘cept of course for the man! See we gotta stay vigilant! Those fatcats with their fat-battle cats up in their ivory towers. They want nothing more than to keep the common man-beast down! It’s ALL corrupt, man. The government takes the money, they spend it all on their Orko magic and they funnel the money to their war machine cronies at Man-at-arms-Iburton. And they make weapons man, Vehicles of destruction. Sure they don’t really work half the time and just serve as plot devices for their comedic action misadventures! But that money could be used for peace! Our group leader Ralph Evilseed says that just 20% of our national wealth could be used to grow enough plants that vegetation could take over the kingdom! Take it over for peace, man! We got demands! And we will continue to occupy Eternia until we get some attention. My buddy Jake Stratos flew up and dropped it into one of their “royal windows!” It was written on EterniHemp. Real paper! Paper from the Earth!…er…from the Eternia.”

I asked what types of demands they had…what they wanted..

“Well, you know man…stuff! We demand no more war! Bring that money home cause we gotta get social programs for social stuff. Education for everybody! We gotta learn, man” He then leaned uncomfortable close to me, grabbed me by both shoulders and looked me in the eyes, “We…gotta…learn. And the clothes, man! They cut the common man’s snake-themed clothing allowance by almost 75 percent! Now that is a lot of percent…Too much percent!” The crowd began to chant…”Too much percent! Too much percent!”

“Now as for me” he continued “I usually just wear armored briefs, but the snake clothes are like super important to some people”

I could not believe what I was hearing…it all seemed like a cruel joke. “What about the thrill of battle?” I asked “The feeling that you’ve won the day? The moral at the end of the episode”

He waived a hand. “No, man. All that battling the forces of evil, that is for the birds, man. There are so much better ways to feel like you’ve won the day…and after a while all those problems just seem to…you know, go up in SMOKE” I stood confused staring blankly at him. He may as well have been speaking a different language. He went on; “You know man” He put two fingers together and raised them to his lips mining someone smoking. I shook my head still not anywhere near understanding.

“Plants? Smoking? You know…Moss! The Moss, Man!” Tired of trying to figure it out I did what I do best. Pretend to understand things that people say to me! “Ah yes the uh…moss who could forget that…very good!”

“See, man after the royalty checks for He-Man started to run out, I fell on some really hard times. For a while me and Beast Man had a practical joke show. People always thought we looked alike and we would show up places dressed like each other…it did okay but it started to wear thin, really fast and then when Beast Man mauled that guy it was over. From there it was a steady downward spiral; I couldn’t get any work and I went to a really dark place…I went to the Snake Pit.”

The Snake Pit was a strip club on the south side of Eternia…a bad neighborhood…I really felt bad for my old friend. Those people don’t even tip!

“I made what little money I could to feed my algae habit but it was never enough and then one day while I was walking home in the rain with my hands plunged in to the pockets of my denim jacket.”

I interrupted…saying that I thought he said that he only wore armored briefs…

“Dude! Will you let me finish the story! AAAAnyway…I had hit rock bottom and I was lost in thought but suddenly something started breaking through my fog; a beat. This amazing drum beat. And then I saw them…some really great looking guys playing away on some 10 gallon plastic pickle tubs! They smiled at me and waived and I sat down and joined them…we got to talking…and then later we talked all night at this great coffee shop and they started to tell me about The Movement and it was like something was woken up inside of me, man! This was what I needed. This is the REAL fight I had been waiting for my entire life! I hit the ground running, making signs, going to rallies and really making a difference! We’ve already got a whole bunch of stuff for some poor kids somewhere! Poor kids, man! And the environment’s getting cleaned…I mean sure we kinda threw a bunch of crap on the ground here but believe me man it’s getting cleaned other places! I feel like I can take over the world man. I don’t have to just blend in with trees and smell like a car air freshener anymore. These people love me for me. I can be all the moss covered swamp beast I CAN be! I’m more mature than I…I uh…ummm excuse me bro, I see a circle forming over there and I feel an urge to go Pass the Dutchie on the Left Hand Side if you know what I mean haha!”

I still didn’t have any idea what he meant but as I spent some time in the palace later I really started to think…maybe I was to quick to judge this group. Maybe they were right and they should have more power…they should get the things they felt entitled to…after all when it came right down to it weren’t we all equal? Didn’t we all want the same things out of life…Happiness? Free stuff? And the freedom to do whatever it was those hippies wanted to do with moss? I think we are all the same and should learn to treat each other that way! Once I was done considering this I contacted the Palace police who roughed the protesters up, threw them in the back of a police hover-wagon and took them far out of our sight.

After all, equal is equal but Eternia has one of the most beautiful palace gardens in the galaxy and they don’t need a bunch of filthy hooligans trampling it.

Freaking Hippies.