Masters of the Ponyverse!

In those shadowy and mysterious 10 years known to some as the 1980’s cartoons ruled the day. Stockbrokers would rush away from their offices to catch the latest episode of Heathcliff, GI Joe addiction clinics sprung up in most suburban areas and some of the PSA’s at the end of Brave Star episodes actually led to the ends of multinational conflicts. Among the titans that brought these hits to television was Hasbro which found a huge cartoon hit with a successful toy-line called My Little pony. But what you must remember friends is that, believe it or not, in those dark days before Brony nation, pony fandom was girl’s territory and was watched by almost no boys Network President Timothy Hasbro, wanted to change that.

Courtesy of My Little Brony

At this same time a young upstart show by the name of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe was taking America by storm being that Masters had an almost entirely male persuasion. A strong effort was made in an attempt to woo the other fifty percent of the cartoon watching, toy demanding public. As a result, He-Man was reunited with his (improbably) long lost sister She-Ra The Princess of Power.

[via] Action Figure Insider

While the She-Ra toys were purchased by girls, lets face it, the cartoon was still watched by boys. It wasn’t even unusual to find boys wanting to dress as She-Ra at Halloween. And it wasn’t weird…also it was no reason to get rid of all of your son’s Princess of Power action figures, action figures Dad! Not dolls! And it was no reason to make your son try out for football when he wanted to be a cartoonist and maybe write some funny stories. Instead he had to spend his precious after school cartoon-watching time, running laps and practicing some stupid sport that he was never even interested in, in the first place.

Ahem, so in a nutshell…but of these wildly successful examples of the animated arts had a common problem. How do they widen their audience and get the attention, and more importantly money of the opposite sex? The solution was obvious. A crossover! And why not? It had been done before and with wonderful results! The Jetsons met the Flintstones! The Scooby Doo gang met the Harlem Globetrotters (and everyone else in the world) Paula Abdul even met that weird Arseneo Hall cat guy…which now that I think about it, doesn’t have anything to do with this so never mind. This problem needed more than a crossover it needed an entirely new cartoon! After all, He-Man in Ponyville would be ridiculous, by which I mean awesome but unfortunately way ahead of it’s time. No the demanding public of the 1980’s needed something they could believe something they could really sink their teeth into. They needed a He-Man that was himself a Pony! A He-Pony…A Pony-Man…or…Masters of the PonyVerse. Yes! Masters of the PonyVerse!!

The resulting brainstorming, character design and storyboarding sessions resulted in what was described as a perfect blend of the two franchises, a sure-fire hit! Unfortunately that description was not given by the studio executives or in fact anyone in any position to purchase produce or broadcast the series. But even so, what a series it was!

The story takes place on the distant planet Barnturnia amid a time of great war. The Barnturnian Royal family faces ruin and the very real chance that their kingdom will be toppled. The Evil forces of Skeletrot have been growing in power and claiming more and more of the lands of Barnturnia for their cruel purposes. Led by wicked and powerful generals such as Trot Jaw and Beast Mane his shadowy armies thunder across the land leaving anguish in their wake. If things didn’t change soon, the shadow of Broodmare Mountain could stretch across all of Barnturnia. Fortunately change was just around the corner. Unfolding in the heart of Barnturnia was an ancient and mysterious legend. The Barnturnian Royal Prince by the name of Adam (they can’t all be Pony style names okay?) had from birth been destined for greatness. There had long been written a legend, a legend of a hero who would deliver the world of Barnturnia out of it’s darkest days. A hero by the name of He-Mane. At the age of 18, in Barnturnian pony-man years, Adam was summoned by the powerful Horseress by the name of…Horseress to the gate of the mysterious castle Grey-Stall. In an awe inspiring and far to complicated to describe here ceremony the Horseress gave to Adam the Lasso Of Barnturnia! When Adam raised the lasso above his head, swirled in around cowboy style and repeated the magic words that he apparently already knew a strange and wondrous transformation took place! Adam’s pink horse blanket disappeared and was replaced with a super butch looking harness. His coat turned from beige to dark beige and his mane became slightly darker blonde! But that wasn’t all! When he spun his lasso of power in the direction of his trust yet cowardly wagon friend, it grew and became the armor plated and much braver Battle Wagon. The best part was that no one in Barnturnia could ever figure out that Adam was He-Mane! Despite the fact that they looked almost identical to each other and they owned the only two green, tiger striped, talking wagons on the entire planet.

Spine tingling and epic adventures in which Skele-Trot and his minions would commit unspeakable acts such as ruining the party games at King Colt’s birthday party or draining the color from all of the flowers in Merry Meadow! In one especially heartbreaking episode Skele-Trot developed a “Bad Day Ray” and Zapped Man at Hooves’ Daughter Tail-la. She then spends almost a whole week in a gloomy grumpy mood. Her friends all try to combat the evil spell, by which I mean they all come up with zany ways to try and cheer her up most of which result in, you guessed it, wacky hijinks! And so it would go. Skele-Trot would come up with a moderately evil scheme using a weoponish device. He-Mane and his loyal friends would all join forces to take on his attack in friendly, safe for all ages, battle and in the end friendship sharing and happiness would win the day! In every episode. Every week!

Believe it or not the show was never aired. A pilot exists online but few aside from those of us in the retro cartoon blog illuminati have ever seen it. There were even toy prototypes created and the photos leaked to the internet. The entire concept seemed so beyond belief that those who have seen them mistook them for homebrew modified my little pony toys. Even the Retroist himself presented one of the Masters of the PonyVerse toys in this fashion. It was out of fear of getting my second verbal reprimand and finding myself on blog-probation that I didn’t question my bosses article. Now however I find myself with the need to speak the truth. For those fans out their who thought My Little Pony could use a lot more sword and sorcery or who always found Masters of the Universe a little bit to bipedal, there are options. Masters of the PonyVerse has found quite the underground following online. There are illustrations, costumes and yes there has even been talk of a PonyVerse videogame! Though that talk mostly came from me and no one seems to have bitten on the concept yet…though if any of you have gaming connections we can make this happen! Huh? Huh?

Though it is nearly impossible to find My Little Pony fan fiction online, my sources tell me that there are some fantastic He-Mane stories out there. I have yet to read any of them however because while I respect people who can spin great fictional stories, I myself try to stick with the facts.

He-Man + My Little Pony? My Little He-Man

My Little Pony has come a long way in the last decade. Increasing its audience among kids, adults, women and men. This is largely due to hardcore fans who have taken it upon themselves to bring Pony culture up a notch. I am always on the lookout for a good pony mod and this week I found one by Pop Culture artist, Marika Surinen. It is a He-Man pony, complete with flowing He-Man mane and of course Pony Orko.

You’ve been Pony’d or Confessions of a Brony

Sexism is supposedly a very terrible thing, its horrible fingers reaching into every aspect of our society from music to movies and sadly even to childrens toys. We’ve all seen the incredibly offensive items; the toy shopping carts, the miniature kitchens, fake vacuums and worst of all, the baby dolls! They come in all shapes and sizes with diapers and pacifiers and tiny strollers. They talk, they scream, they cry, etc…in fact some of the more expensive models are nearly as disgusting as having an actual baby. Several individuals and groups saw these toys as early indoctrination. They believed that what some saw as innocent playthings were in fact tools, intended to train young girls to become housewives and mothers.

Now friends, you and I both know that a woman’s place is obviously in the home. They are nurturing, organized and caring but in the long run they are vastly inferior to the powerful dominant force known as man! As this truth was lost on society, soon a cry went out for action. Girls had to be given hope for a stronger future; they needed toys that would help to guide them into the workforce, into the world of big business and ultimately into the world of gender equality. But what career? Being a riveter at the shipyard was not as relevant as it had once been and nobody ever seemed to want to work in the salt mines. Finally the answer arrived and it could not have been a more obvious choice. The future of women workers was in the fast growing field of Horse Ranches! There could not be a more ideal job for womankind than horses. Brushing hair. Riding the range, feeding sugar cubes to things and of course, rustling up them dogies!

(Wait, is a dogie a horse or a cow? Or maybe it’s a dog? Hmmmm)

At any rate, horses were the answer. Through a combination of his iron-fist like control of congress and the fact that several major toy companies were deeply in his pocket, President Jimmy Carter enacted emergency toy legislation that would immediately divert all government funds to the ever important Plastic Toy branch of the Federal Government.

The design, prototyping, and heavy production that followed, would have made an amazing black and white newsreel in the 1950’s and the end result was the creation of plastic gold. A series of toys that I like to call My Little Pony. My Little Pony took the world by storm and instantly became the hands down most popular multi-colored cartoon horse based line of toys in America. Girls everywhere could not get enough of them and soon the merchandising world took notice. There was My Little Pony lunchboxes, My Little Pony book bags, My Little Pony bikes, My Little Pony belt sanders, My Little Pony cigarette lighters to light you’re My Little Pony cigarettes! I could go on and on (and would only get more ridiculous.) Yes dear readers, it was a sight to behold and unlike any other government program ever, it had the exact result that it was intended to have. Girls all over took the love and curiosity spawned by the toys and transferred it to living horses suddenly female enrollment in major horse universities skyrocketed and young women were joining horse track bookie apprenticeship programs at unprecedented levels. Within 12 years, women controlled nearly every aspect of the horse industry, ranging from major horse breeding programs, all the way to Elmer’s Glue and it was quite a change. Women applied everything they had learned from My Little Pony to their new found expertise…with mixed results.

While horses now felt like distinct individuals with something special to offer and their own wonderful way of bringing joy to the world, not all was rainbows in the ranks. The decision to dye all horses pink, baby blue, and bright peach cover them in glitter and place an adorable and individual mark on each horses flank set the rodeo industry back decades. Once noble jousting tournaments at renaissance festivals had now become precious and delicate frolicking spectacles. Eventually the Council of Female Equestrian Experts realized the error of their ways. They decided that horses didn’t have to be exactly like My Little Pony, besides, their eyes weren’t nearly big enough and the horns kept falling off of the “unicorns”. Men and women decided that they could work together; that no gender should have any specific claim to the workforce of the USA! There was room for everybody! Ever since those dark days, women have proven themselves to be wonderfully productive member of society as nurses, teachers, secretaries and librarians! I have lived my life thinking that the infiltration of My Little Pony into the very fabric of our culture was over. This year I have discovered a shocking and terrifying fact the ponies are back!

In my unending dedication to all of you and to society as a whole (and most importantly to my own piece of mind), I decided to risk life and limb and begin the daunting task of investigating these new ponies on the block. I knew what I would have to do, in order to get to the heart of the matter and find out what these heathen horses had in store for us and that kind of disharmony they planned to send us in to I would have to view their propaganda. I would have to watch an episode of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. I have to be honest, My Little Pony had a very powerful effect on me that can best be characterized as confusion. First of all the show had nothing to do with training young girls to be experts in horse care and grooming…in fact, humanity was not even represented on the show. In its place was a world run entirely by horses. With human dwellings, furniture and equipment that has been adapted for use by ponies. Now, even disregarding any thoughts about “a planet where Ponies evolved from Men”, it leads one to wonder, that if the creators of the G4 My Little Pony aren’t intending to brainwash our youth toward a sinister future enslaved by the military industrial complex then what do they want? Another strange thing is the title… Friendship is Magic. For one I have always considered friendship and humanity in general something to be avoided and shunned at all costs. Additionally, aside from the blockbuster film The Craft, I have never encountered a situation in which friendship is magic.

It quickly became apparent that watching one episode of the mysterious show would not sufficiently expose the truth behind the flash animated façade. I would have to go once more into the breach and watch an additional episode. Soon I had watched five episodes of the show and was well on my way to viewing more (in the interest of investigative journalism). I worried that I might not be getting the full effect of the MLP experience I enlisted the help of some of my close personal friends (consisting of a motley crew of mad scientists and cruel villains). I gathered these vicious titans of the unknown, these black-hearted living monsters under the shroud of nightfall and together we had…My Little Pony Viewing Parties….where we lounged in nightmarish sinister glee watching a cartoon, and wickedly ate pony-shaped sugar cookies and fruit punch!!! Mwaha mwahahahaha!

We watched show after show and still I was unable to uncover the secret that I knew dwelled beneath the surface…I had to dig deeper. I went infiltrated a secret marketplace known to some as eBay. And purchased a piece of the uniform commonly found among the wildly dedicated fans of this program or “bronies” as they are known in this elusive world. Since I was in the marketplace I picked up a Pony hoodie and a couple more shirts as well, you know, to help me find the truth. If at this point any of you have began to think that I actually LIKE this show, I am outraged! I am a professional retro-reporting-werewolf-author-villian…scientist-person-thing and I have my dignity. With the utmost dignity I subscribed to an online RSS feed that gives its readers the latest awesome news and happenings in the rockin’ world of PonyVille. I have begun to learn more but a little more digging definitely wouldn’t hurt.

While pouring through some of the evidence I obtained in my search I realized an interesting fact. While the show extols the virtues of friendship and acceptance, the fans of the show are some of the most judgmental people I have ever encountered; ready to immediately jump to conclusions about someone right after meeting them. Case in point; I purchased a full access four day pass to a national My Little Pony Convention and within minutes of stepping through the door the other people in attendance labeled me, on sight, as a fanboy. I want to state in no uncertain terms that just because I was at the convention and happened to be wearing a sassy rainbow wig and fake wings does not mean that I love My Little Pony or wait with unbearable anticipation for each new episode to arrive on my DVR!

I feel that even you, my loyal CooCoo Cola Cult Members, have taken the opportunity of this article to accuse me (even if only in your minds) of being a fan or being a brony. Well let me tell you this, it just isn’t true. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to finish writing my post on this scroll, allow my loyal dragon sidekick to engulf it in the flames of his magic fire breath thus sending it riding upon a magical river of smoke into the castle of Princess Retroist-Celestia. After my work is done I’m going to watch a marathon of my MLP season one VHS tapes that I recorded. While I’m doing these things I want you to think about what you’ve done, and how falsely you judged me.