The Retroist

Predicting Stranger Things 2…with my action figure shelf

The Netflix trailer for Stranger Things 2 leaves us with nothing more than vague hints, and a killer remix of Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”.  Anything else that’s hit the ‘net is likely just pure speculation… and so is this.  Much like trying to see the future in a pile of tea leaves, this is an attempt to figure out what’s going on in the upcoming season with nothing more than things that happen to be on my action figure shelf.  Chances are awfully good that my guesses connect with reality at no two points.  (Actually, I can’t even guarantee one point, but it is fun to guess, right?)

First things first: this is also a bit of an under-the-radar review of Funko’s new box sets of Stranger Things action figures.  You may rest assured that my verdict is that they’re awesome…though they’re rather delicate in a few places.  Take time and care removing them from their packages, especially the surprisingly delicate Demogorgon.  But do the figures hold any clues for the second season?  Don’t ask me – ask them.

Theory #1: More Of The Same
Give the people, what they want, right?  If Stranger Things 2 ventures back into the Upside Down, it’s a pretty good bet that more Lovecraftian horror will be pouring out from the other side.  (Special guest star: the Spawn of Cthulhu from Warpo’s awesome Legends Of Cthulhu line.)

Theory #2: Even More Lovecraftian Than That
The SDCC trailer shows something…big.  With tentacles.  Chances are it didn’t want mere mortals to awaken it.  Chances are it now wants mere mortals for breakfast.  And lunch.  And…  (Special guest star: Star Wars: The Last Jedi Rathtar*, even though the Rathtars were in The Force Awakens…don’t ask.)

Theory #3: The Gozer Theory
Just as Ghostbusters Gozer chose its final form from the all-but-fried mind of Ray Stantz, the new enemy from the Upside Down may choose its form from the minds of a bunch of kids who, according to the trailer, are spending some quality time at the arcade…  (Special guest star: Centipede from Funko’s Retro Video Game minis line.)

Theory #3.5: The Gozer Theory, but on steroids
What is there are multiple menaces from the Upside Down, each capable of choosing their form from the pop culture knowledge that a bunch of ’80s kids would have?  (Special guest stars: Funko’s Gizmo (Gremlins), Fizzgig (The Dark Crystal), E.T. (from the movie of the same name), and Bif Bang Pow’s Flash Gordon.)  Man, I don’t know about you, but I couldn’t hurt Gizmo.  I’d pick him up and pet him.  And then the Demogorgon would emerge from its cloaking device and eat me.

Theory #4: Batman
Because…Batman.  Kids, I’ve heard you cursing too much.  You need to watch your language.  (Special guest stars: Funko’s Batman ’66 Batman, Robin, and Batgirl.)

Theory #5: I Really Have No Idea What’s Going To Happen
…and that’s the truth, so here are the kids fending off Fiona the Hippo and a Porg.

Maybe it’d just be better if Eleven could find a mentor to help her more effectively use her powers?