Screenshot (13)

You Cannot Beat Nintendo…But You Can Hope to Escape With Your Soul

This is crazy. I had this strange dream that a bunch of 8-bit Nintendo game characters came out of the screen in horrible animation, and told me that I could not beat them, all because they are Nintendo.

Screenshot (20)

You’re telling me that really happened?

Oh darn.

I love commercial archives. You know this, because you’ve read some of my past articles. You also know that I love obscure and strange nostalgia. The more obscure and strange, the happier I am. So when I first spotted this – is horrific the right word? – advertisement from the Land Down Under, I immediately understood why nothing like it ever aired over here. Besides, we had our own share of strange video game ads. We didn’t need foreign strange when we had homegrown strange at our horrified disposal.

In 1987, Nintendo arrived in Australia and its neighbor, New Zealand, and with it, the most horrific introduction. Compared to how the United States was introduced to the third generation of home gaming, Nintendo really wanted to make themselves a force to be reckoned with.

I say that because any type of argument with Nintendo would likely have meant your soul being stolen, and then getting kicked into an endless pit, as created by Nintendo. Worship your Dark Overlords, and no one gets hurt, ever.

Of course, it didn’t intend to start out so terrifying…

The commercial starts out with the opening chords of 8-bit glory, better known as the music from Super Mario Bros., and then becomes something dark and sinister, when the well-dressed, well-off-brother (a 3D rendering of an 8-bit yuppie, wouldn’t you say?) of the main character in the Dire Straits “Money For Nothing” music video appears on your screen, breaking the fourth wall, and proclaiming “We are Nintendo,” but sounding more like “Neen-ten-dough, ultimate Tee Vee Game System. We challenge all players…”

Screenshot (13)

Meaning this kid, alone, not at all aware that his impending doom is going to find him.

Screenshot (14)

He tells us, the viewers, that “you cannot beat us.” Who is he, anyway? An amalgam of corporate bigwigs working for Nintendo? All the souls of players who sold their souls for the promise of the ability to beat games? Ad Wizards? Evil Ad Wizards?

We have no idea. We’re just as terrified as you!

This is Hell in video game form, folks. ?But it gets more dark than it already was…

8-Bit Yuppie brings in his equally Dark Minions, all of whom proclaim (with Australian accents made evil), “You cannot beat us.”

Screenshot (15) Screenshot (16) Screenshot (17) Screenshot (18)

All of this while the ominous 8-bit tones of the Bowser stage on Super Mario Bros. plays. All of this.

And then, they all gather together to remind you, one more time:

Screenshot (19)

“You cannot beat us.”

And because it’s already terrifying, they actually put their satanic chant on the screen, just in case you needed to be reminded of the horror of what you just witnessed…IN TEXT FORM!

Screenshot (20)

And then the Nintendo logo comes up on the screen, Mario got a game over, and, well…you’re trying to figure out if your soul is still intact.

Screenshot (21)

Don’t freakin’ believe this is a thing?

Watch for yourself! You tell me this isn’t wet-your-panties terrifying!

Go on already! Do it!

Video uploaded by LingPanda’s Video Heaven

And then witness how the Nostalgia Critic felt about it.

Video uploaded by ZeroTyrant

If you’ve made it to this point, then congratulations, you escaped with your life. An occasion like that deserves some celebratory music:

Video uploaded by BlittleMcNilsen

You can even have 5000 points and the victory of pulling the flag down for your efforts. You survived after all.

So, if you ever decide to venture to the darkside, don’t forget what may be waiting for you there:

Screenshot (20)

You’ve been warned.

Subscribe to the Retroist Newsletter

* indicates required