Many of us here at the Retroist have tried our best over the years to share the feeling of wonder we used to have when the Christmas season rolled around and we finally got the chance to get our hands on the new Sears Wishbook. It was a tome of Holiday delights and I’m not just talking about the pages of toys, video games, and electronic treasures it promised. I mean…you knew you were getting clothes no matter what but with that Wishbook you could at least let your Parents and Grandparents know you would be satisfied with T-Shirts that bore the image of Mr. T or the latest Atari hits on the front of them…or even which alarm clock you might like!
But the other day while I was flipping through the 1984 Wishbook I stumbled upon something that made my blood run cold…it was a reminder that back in the day you could have ordered fruitcake. Fruitcake!!
Just take a moment and look at that image. Looks tasty you say? Why it makes me shiver as if someone had just stepped firmly on my grave. You don’t have that reaction? Well…let me tell you a little story and maybe you too will learn to loathe fruitcake. It’s a tale of poor life choices when you are a seven year old at a Christmas party. Generations of family members are in attendance and you are having a fantastic time with your Cousins, playing with your Star Wars figures on the stairs that leads down to the basement. Soon you are all called to fill your plates with heaping amounts of turkey and dressing, sweet potatoes, and so much more…there is literally more food before you than you’ve seen before. Then you come across not one fruitcake but four of them and don’t they just look so very delicious.
Let’s jump ahead. It’s after dinner now and you and your Cousins are yucking it up away from the rest of the Family when YOU get the brilliant idea that what would really, really make everyone laugh would be to take the fruitcake and mash it into your hair. Why? No reason other than it strikes you as being a funny image…and guess what? It works! You are all laughing hysterically so you take the fruitcake on their plates and add it to the clumps of glazed fruit and nuts that is now slowly becoming a hardened shell on your head. So you just keep mashing it in your hair until it’s all gone and for all intents and purpose you have created a fruitcake helmet. Fast forward to the end of the evening and your Parents finally realize what you have done and no matter how much hot water and shampoo they use they just can’t get that fruitcake out of your hair so they are forced…to cut your hair off…all of it.
To this day during the holidays when I’m in a grocery store and I walk by a fruitcake display I truly shiver as not only the smell of that stuff crammed into my hair and on my head hits me like a wave but I can feel the phantom scissors clipping away the great chunks of fruitcake and my hair.
Hm. Maybe I should have used this for a Saturday Frights post?
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