Saturday Frights – Creature of Destruction

Saturday-Frights-Sean-Hartter

Hey fiends! Guess what, I got a promotion here at The Retroist Vault! Now I get to man the concession booth, ticket stand and run the projector, all for the same pay…wait a minute… I think someone may have pulled a fast one on the ol’ Ouija Board Kid, but I guess it was to be expected seeing as how Doug McCoy, Claymation Werewolf and Phishbon3s are all “too injured” to report to work. I mean, c’mon it was just a little light mauling by savage Yeti’s in subzero temperatures for a week.

Come up and See Me Sometime...

Come up and See Me Sometime…

Anyway, after The Projectionist crawled up from the sub-basement of the Vault and removed Violent Vic Sage’s hands from my neck (where I’m sure they were placed in a friendly hug for my valiant efforts in running the projector while my co-workers were too busy frolicking in the snow to do any real work) to spirit him away for a special project, he handed me the keys and left your’s cruelly to run the show!

I just want to assure you all that the standard sub-standard levels of quality will continue to be met each and every week here at The Vault, and what better way to celebrate our lofty ambitions than with a cinematic equivalent of a dirty diaper from our ol’ pal Larry Buchanan. Yup, it’s none other than one of his (in)famous made for TV A.I.P remakes entitled Creature of Destruction (but fright fans will immediately recognize it as a color retelling of Edward L. Cahn’s The She Creature).

Well, here’s hoping my co-workers make a swift recovery, oh btw I would be remiss if I didn’t mention our new “hamburgers” that are on sale 2 for 1 in our lobby.

Daniel XIII

Daniel XIII: equally at home at a seance as he is behind the keyboard. Raised on a steady diet of Son of Satan comics, Kaiju flicks and Count Chocula comes the proprietor of The House of Thirteen Doors. What arcane knowledge lurks behind the preternatural eyes of the Ouija Board Kid?

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8 thoughts on “Saturday Frights – Creature of Destruction

  1. Consider yourself lucky. I dropped my application off at The Retroist Vault months ago. Never heard back.

    Had to to take a job working at the A&W in the mall. And YES, it’s not in the food court – it’s near the JC Penny entrance. And YES, we stay open an hour later than everything else. And YES, the blonde who works there on Tuesdays and Thursdays has a boyfriend, stop asking.

  2. I love when library music is used in films, but not edited to match any of the action. So, when the music has various cues – rise ups, lulls, drones, sharp attacks, etc – they end up into the scene without any reason because the editor just left the track in from end to end and let the film fall where it may and nothing matches up tonally.

  3. @Patrick I know what that A&w pays, and I know you should consider picking up a Saturday shift or two sometime at the Vault! Just let me know, and the projector is your’s! As for that blonde, I think she’s single now…btw have you tried our new “hamburgers” at the concession stand? As for that library music, I love when it isn’t edited properly as well…it definitely adds to the hilarity!

    @Doug Holy cats how did you escape that meat grind…ummm I mean I’m glad you’re o.k.! See you next Saturday!

  4. Another awesome Saturday Frights feature, Daniel XIII! I would in front of the entire readership like to thank you for stepping up to the plate with the programming of the films…AND apologize about the misunderstanding that occurred when the Projectionist gave me the news I was being moved further into the Vault.

    Still best fiends? I mean friends? :)

  5. Thanks Vic, all shenanigans aside, it really does mean the world to me that you asked me to take this feature over! And of course we are still best fiends…if I alienated everyone that has ever tried to strangle, hang or mutilate me over the centuries I wouldn’t have any fiends at all!

  6. Atari Adventure Square says:

    Ah! Further fine midnight frights to fill my filmgeek longings!
    Now guys, don’t fight over the priviledge to spook up the ghoul gallery. As long as the obscure retro fare spins in the booth, it’s all good.

    Speaking of which, love me those AIP offerings. Yeah, it was cheap and easy in the day, but, as Patrick mentions, library music is cool on the senses and fills my cup!
    Also, seeing the warm, fuzzy film stock of the period brings fond feelings for celluloid, as this visual vessel added a depth of ethereal unreality to bizarre films such as this.

    And if I may add to mall work shifts talk…
    If any word of an undead walkabout outbreak spills out, I’m ditching my day job and filling in at the mall.
    It’ll be a (shotgun) blast!
    All the muzak! All the free candies! All the jerky!

    oh, please make it happen…

  7. @Atari Adventure Square We will definitely fill your quota of frightful films between my work here, Vic’s new Saturday Frights podcast and our combined efforts on the brand new Saturday Frights Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/SaturdayFrights)!
    As for the mall, as long as they have a blood pressure machine which can be operated at the most inopportune times whilst wearing a sombrero then all will be fine!

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