Never Trust a Rancor

Last weekend my sister texted me and asked, “Do you have a Rancor?” I didn’t. It’s one of the few Star Wars toys I never got around to picking up. She found one at a garage sale for a dollar, and asked if I wanted it. I did. A few days later, this arrived at my house:

So, I’m pretty excited about this, right? I mean, I’ve never had a Rancor before, and the price was definitely right! I put the Rancor upstairs on a shelf and forgot about it. A few hours later around bedtime I hear some noises upstairs, like somebody talking. I go upstairs and I find this going on:

Okay, so, what the heck, Rancor? You don’t even ask to use the phone? When I asked him to get off the phone he just kept talking (long distance, I’m sure) and slobbering all over everything. So I got this skull and I threw it at him, which really seemed to piss him off. Next thing I know, he’s made his way over to my Fisher Price Adventure People collection. Oh no.

Has this creature no manners? As the Fisher Price Adventure People drag racer throws it into gear in an attempt to run over him, the Rancor made a break over toward the toy shelf. I knew there was only one person who could stop the Rancor: Luke Skywalker.

Unfortunately it was LEGO Luke Skywalker who showed up, a figure so puny that the Rancor had no trouble devouring him in a single, slimy gulp. Even Grover and Handy Smurf were helpless against this monster’s wrath. Fortunately, another action figure stepped up to the plate and put the Rancor in its place.

The Samurai Deli Owner (John Belushi) stepped up and, with a loud scream and a single swipe of his sharpened sandwich-cutting blade, felled the beast.

“It’s only a flesh wound,” said the Rancor.

14 thoughts on “Never Trust a Rancor

  1. Rich Gott says:

    What find for a buck. I call dibs on the next time your sister finds something cool for a buck!

  2. mwentworth says:

    Ha, funny that the last picture wound up being Belushi; as I was scrolling through I thought “hmm, was there a Dan Ackroyd Beldar the Conehead figure that could nine-iron a rock into the Rancor’s mouth and end this madness?”

  3. I’m not sure if Handy is attacking the Rancor or lifting up the barbell as a peace offering. Either way is funny. BTW, what are the charges to Tattooine?

  4. So weird….A customer asked if he could bring one in. I told him I would trade him 16 beers for it when comes out to about $30. He never brought it in… I certainly do NOT get it. I have a huge promotion at my restaurant. Monster Cafe Saltillo. If ya bring in a figure of Star Wars you can get 8 free beers which equates to $15. Had this promotion for a year now and no takers. So the moral of the story is…In Mexico….Action figures of Star wars are like GOLD! Even the starving families do not want to part with them!

  5. Oops…Forgot…So my story involves the Rancor that you have there. The customer never brought it in. You got yours for 1 dollar and your sister could have given it to me for 16 beers or something of the menu worth 16 dollars…

  6. Spottedfeather says:

    I was loving this article right up until you went off on a Claymation Werewolf tangent that made me completely disinterested. I’m still waiting for the owner of the site to come up with a way that we can block article from people we don’t want to hear from.

  7. Great article, Flack! Not only did we get a closer look at some of your neat toys but the sheer look of fear on Grover is priceless. Sorry to hear about the damage to those Fisher-Price people though, that last video you shared with us…all that money down the drain because of an irate Rancor. Sigh. :P

  8. Atari Adventure Square says:

    Aw, those FP people are sturdy enough to take it.
    And Grover taught me all about Near and Far

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iZhEcRrMA-M

    Now would be a good time for him to remember.

    And, of course Samurai Jedi can take care of all things menial and beastly.
    Just don’t ask him to explain it to you.

  9. Virgil VI says:

    I love it!!
    Oh, and I so coveted those Adventure People when I was young. I even wrote a jingle for them. What a nerd.

  10. This is the first article I’ve written that elicited the following responses: “Brilliant!”, “I love it!”, and “I wish the owner of the site would come up with a feature that allowed me to not see anything you write ever again.”

    Can’t win ‘em all. :)

  11. Zeno says:

    I can envision a future battle between the Rancor and a certain penguin I know in Albuquerque…

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