Never Trust a Rancor

Last weekend my sister texted me and asked, “Do you have a Rancor?” I didn’t. It’s one of the few Star Wars toys I never got around to picking up. She found one at a garage sale for a dollar, and asked if I wanted it. I did. A few days later, this arrived at my house:

So, I’m pretty excited about this, right? I mean, I’ve never had a Rancor before, and the price was definitely right! I put the Rancor upstairs on a shelf and forgot about it. A few hours later around bedtime I hear some noises upstairs, like somebody talking. I go upstairs and I find this going on:

Okay, so, what the heck, Rancor? You don’t even ask to use the phone? When I asked him to get off the phone he just kept talking (long distance, I’m sure) and slobbering all over everything. So I got this skull and I threw it at him, which really seemed to piss him off. Next thing I know, he’s made his way over to my Fisher Price Adventure People collection. Oh no.

Has this creature no manners? As the Fisher Price Adventure People drag racer throws it into gear in an attempt to run over him, the Rancor made a break over toward the toy shelf. I knew there was only one person who could stop the Rancor: Luke Skywalker.

Unfortunately it was LEGO Luke Skywalker who showed up, a figure so puny that the Rancor had no trouble devouring him in a single, slimy gulp. Even Grover and Handy Smurf were helpless against this monster’s wrath. Fortunately, another action figure stepped up to the plate and put the Rancor in its place.

The Samurai Deli Owner (John Belushi) stepped up and, with a loud scream and a single swipe of his sharpened sandwich-cutting blade, felled the beast.

“It’s only a flesh wound,” said the Rancor.