**One Monster’s continuing mission to explore strange new (old) cartoons. Shows he has never seen! Watched in small segments and reviewed immediately. No research! No rewinds! No shame! Join me as I embarrass myself for your reading pleasure. This is Full Moon Reviews!**
Hey group! I’m supper stoked for this weeks edition of the Full Moon Review, I’m covering a little cartoon called Tekno (or, Techno) Man! I don’t know anything about the actual show (my wifey read it off in a list of cartoons) but the name basically says it all. Techno! Many has been the time that I’ve wiled a Saturday night away dancing to killer bass and sick drum machine beats while surrounded by mysterious fog machine…fog, in some abandoned warehouse! The underground flyers for that nights rave, the anonymous sex, the sweating, the dancing the sheer exhilaration! Today I’m reliving all of it by way of this cartoon. So now, as I begin to remove my shirt and apply my backlight body paint, I hope that you’ll do the same as we enjoy, Techno Man Episode 7
Okay just watched the opening and I’m gonna be totally honest with you guys. I don’t get it…super fast moving images of space and lasers and interstellar action (all pretty common stuff that gets projected on the wall at a techno rave) but there’s other stuff too. Guys with weapons, giant robots, men women…soldiers spaceships…wow! On top of everything else, I seem to be so wasted, that when the title was shown I wasn’t able to read it. This is gonna be one hell of a ride! Wooooo!
Uhhh… okay I think I got ahold of some bad acid (total rookie mistake) because I cant tell if im watching the episode or im still watching the opening! The action and editing havent slowed down one bit…then when it does slow down (ie; two people talking) it slows down completely its like a painting but with eyes and mouths moving
The plot seems to be that there are these giant battle ships trying to fend off an alien invasion (killer idea for a movie!) and the gunners are just shooting straight up into this nonstop wave of identical flying aliens (killer idea for a video game!)
The humans are getting their butts handed to them. Two people talk about how were losing, then we cut to some other guy I know nothing about, reporting to some board about how we lost techno man! The bored seems really upset and one guy looks at him in profile with a really grumpy look on his face. (getting kinda bummed myself…where is all the techno, man?)
In fact, I’m making that same face, but with a light up pacifier in my mouth…
So the guy is part of something called the “space knights” and he’s fighting with the military and they all want jurisdiction over the techno man and everybody’s voices are super echoey and they’re talking about salvaging the techno man (I thought he was lost, not broken) and everything’s moving too fast….its just total chaos gang, I don’t know what to tell you…
The two statue people that were talking earlier said they needed “Blade’s” help to beat the aliens, the angry board meeting said they lost and/or needed to salvage techno man…then some guys is talking on a walking talkie/Smartphone thing about a techno bot. two other people and gothicy raver looking girl and maybe a…Australian? Looking guy are going through all these goofy schematics about a techno bot and a crystal…and a person and how they all have to work together and fit together…the austrailian guy gets all excited that he gets to go build it! We then cut (quickly) to a grumpy young guy in a bed who smacks his tray of food away
And says he doesn’t wanna eat. The woman who brought him the food calls him Blade!! So okay maybe he has to get into and control robot armor…a crystal helps to fuse them together, and the whole shebang is techno man!!
Okay it looks like I’m right…kind of. I guess he somehow transforms into techno man through a bunch of magic/sciency, gobledy-guk. He apparently got beat up and all his techno man stuff got broke so now he’s a sour puss. His friends (who I like to call “wiggly eye girl” and “cocky blonde guy”) take him on a “This is your life” tour of the facilities to try to straighten out his Debby Downer attitude. They meet up with weird science lady and kind of Australian guy (who talks like a Japanese guy who learned English entirely by watching John Wayne movies and then tried to use an Australian accent) and they talk about the progress, then give blade the worlds most awkward pep talk
They all get called away for an important update and we see a bunch of images of landmarks villages etc getting all blowed up by the aliens from space. Suddenly!!! The signal gets jammed and the aliens cut in to all the video screens (Cobra style) and demand that earth turn over the techno man (apparently he’s either an alien or stole the suit…or the technology or something, from them) if they don’t get him, they’ll resume the attack and destroy everthing! By the way, the bad guy? His name is Dagger! (Dagger, Blade, Pointy, Sharpes, Stabby and The Shredder!) ….im assuming.
The action is heating up! Apparently, blade is trying to turn himself in. He’s gonna fly some broken rocket up to the bad guys and offer himself up like a thanksgiving turkey! Everybody is gathered round the communication console yelling at him all anime-ish and he’s ignoring them.
He flies into space on his death mission and for some reason everybody gets back to work on the whole techno man thing. Maggie (the weird girl) still can’t figure it out but then the young communication girl walks in with an armful of discs, trips on a cable and the discs fly everywhere (landing on the keyboard) and lo and behold, wouldn’t ya know it!! The computer reboots and figures out the solution (really, cartoon??)
Unfortunately, Blade already arrived at the spaceship, they slaughtered him like a pig, no one else could activate the robot and the earth is destroyed…just kidding!
Blade arrives at alien headquarters and starts a war of words with Dagger. Ring (that’s the blonde guy’s name…Ringo! Hah!!!) sets out in his special spaceship (he’s a pilot) with the techno bot on his way to give it to Blade and while the action, once again, heats up we finally get some techno. I put on my white gloves (they look great under the black-light that I’m writing this by) and start dancing getting lost in the music…lost in the magic…
Anyway Ringo (heh heh) arrives with the suit after blowing away a bunch of aliens and delivers the suit to Blade seconds before he blew himself up to destroy the alien ship and kill Dagger. Blade goes through a typical five minute long anime transformation sequence and finally takes off, once again, as Techno Man!
Next we get a clichéd fight against the big boss, ending in Blade eradicating Dagger in an horrible violent explosion, so beautiful that his friends bask in the light of it!
All is well, the day is saved and once again humanity can feel safe in the knowledge that freedom exists for every man woman and child. Oh, except for the super duper mega ultra secret, hyper sonic, double evil bad guy that lives underground on the dark side of the moon!
Oh Man! What did I do last night?? I woke up this morning I woke up on the floor surrounded by about 37 glow-sticks with a bunch of blacklights shining on me. I was wearing white gloves and one sock (that’s it) the there was nothing but static blaring. I rewound it to see what I was watching (this was all really weird, since it was you tube) and apparently I was watching some kind of techno anime movie??
I promised myself I would never rave (or watch anime) ever again…I really need to have more self control…its just that when the beat gets ahold of you…what can you do? I gotta dance!
See ya next time!
Oh and by the way, Anime Guys? The “putting your hand on your inner elbow and pumping your fist up gesture?”
I don’t think it means what you think it means…just saying.
Please follow The Retroist on Twitter.