Hard Rock Zombies or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Trust in Rock

Hello again, creeps! This article was originally going to detail the exploits of the world’s most ghoulish platoon, The Creature Commandos, but half way through writing it I popped over to see what my cohorts were up to, and low and behold, ol’ Vic Sage beat me to the punch! After spiraling into a weeklong absinthe binge surrounded by assorted soothsayers and mystics, I eventually pulled myself together enough to conjure another devilish memory out of the far recesses of my fevered brain!

In my very first article, I mentioned the frequent trips of my youth to those great repositories of all things horrific, the mom and pop video stores! In those far flung days of yore, we had no IMDB to base our movie choices upon. What we did have was word of mouth, an occasional Fangoria, or the lurid covers of the movies themselves (often filled with enough hyperbole and sketchy promises to make William Castle blush) to separate our money from our wallets. Walking the aisles one fateful autumn day, my eyes fell upon a cover that beckoned to me like a cardboard siren. Emblazoned on the surface was a gauntlet clad arm blasting from the grave clutching a guitar as various undead appendages attempted to restrain the escaping monster of rock. The grave was marked by a tombstone which simply read “In Rock We Trust.” “Oh yes, yes we do” I said aloud as my eyes fell upon that pearl of wisdom. Then I abruptly and inexplicably rented something else instead (most likely another sparkling gem like Robot Holocaust or Ghoulies 2). But I assure you my friends, the Hard Rock Zombies weren’t done with Th1rte3n yet…not by a longshot.

Many years later I found myself perusing that bastion of taste and class, the Wal-mart five dollar DVD bin. Suddenly my eyes grew wide accompanied by the increasingly rapid beating of my fear driven heart, for once again there were the Hard Rock Zombies, come to exact their revenge for my capricious renting habits of years prior. What else could I do but pay the ferryman’s toll, and unleash a hell undreamed.

The plot to Hard Rock Zombies is innocuous enough; Jesse and his band head to the town of Grand Guignol (hmmm…nothing suspicious there) to play a gig, but soon run afoul of the evil denizens of the town. See, typical, safe horror movie material…but, I forgot to mention a few things. Adolph Hitler, Eva Braun, and Heinrich Himmler are alive and well and living in Grand Guignol. Oh, and Eva Braun is a werewolf with an affinity for knives. Um, Adolph and Eva also have grandchildren who are murderous dwarves, and there is also a bass riff that can resurrect the dead. Hard to believe, these things are just the tip of the iceberg. We also have random dance sequences, skateboarding, repetitious toothpick chewing, and perhaps the most questionable romance ever committed to film, but what else could there be in a film that features are hero murdered by a weed whacker wielded by a Nazi, only to come back to life as a robot walking, face-paint wearing, rock n’ roll singing zombie?

If you feel that you must bear witness (and that you are strong enough to make it through) the entire sordid affair, you can purchase the “film” right here, but I am in no way responsible for any side effects such as blood curdling rage, spontaneous crying or bleeding from every cavity in your body that most definitely will occur. Next time we will examine something even more diabolical, yet still hard rockin’! Stay creepy!

Daniel XIII

Daniel XIII: equally at home at a seance as he is behind the keyboard. Raised on a steady diet of Son of Satan comics, Kaiju flicks and Count Chocula comes the proprietor of The House of Thirteen Doors. What arcane knowledge lurks behind the preternatural eyes of the Ouija Board Kid?

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