The mid 1990’s is a strange time in the history of video game consoles as the prevalent media format switched from cartridges to CDs. Before the Playstation came onto the market and took a major chunk of a gamer’s time, a few other CD systems crashed and burned. One such system was the 3DO Interactive Multiplayer. The 3DO retailed for $699.95 at launch and actually sold about 2 million consoles over the life of the system so it was not as massive of a failure as others (looking at your Philips CD-I). However, this article is not about the life and times of this little 32 bit system, it about the covers of the games, specially the worst pieces of Cart Art of the 3DO.
I need to warn you all of something. Apparently using a cheap 3D moderling software to create figures and robots that looked like a lumpy, moldy mashed potatoes was all the rage in the world of video games covers for the 3DO. With Mazer, we see a perfect example of this “style.” Where to start? I have been trying to figure out what is causing that awful explosion that obscures that. . . .robot. . . . thing? I see that the soldier’s gun is firing but I can’t tell if the robot is exploding or is firing off some sort of chest mounted failure-launcher. The soldier’s hat is also a little confusing. It looks like a camouflaged hunk of pizza dough that fell on his head. Whatever the case maybe, when I am fighting boxy, double UFO kneecapped walking weapons platforms, I can gaze into that majestic purple sky forever.
I just love the title, that about 96% of the reason why I chose this game to be in this edition of Cart Art. That and my inability to figure out what color that dime store Cylon on the cover is supposed to be. Is that silver? Gun Metal? Gray? Whatever it is, it makes me wish I could removed the rods and cones from my eyes via a red hot poker. I know that the red dot on the chest of the shadowy figured in the background is the center of the cross-hair but I like to think it is that things heart. In the midst of another awful explosion (this is a theme with 3DO covers), this one man has a tender and loving heart, a caring soul that would much rather help the elderly or volunteer his time at a local soup kitchen. And for that, he must be killed.
Hell: A Cyberpunk Thriller
Can I say anything at all that would add to just now terrible this cover is? I don’t think so. Just sit back and take this one in folks, in all it’s mind numbing computer rendered crap-a-tude. Thanks Dennis Hopper!
“You alone can destroy all pyramids!” Yeah, eat that you dang dirty Tetrahedral objects. Feel the wraith of another poorly designed explosion! This cover is so ahead of its time. Look how those pyramids are in 3D blurry vision for those modern glasses. Wait, they are not in 3D? Oh. . . .great. How come the reflection of the pyramid in the water does not have that same twitch effect? Even less consistent is that the explosion is clear and bright while the pyramid reflection is faded even though they both appear to be equidistant from the water. I don’t want to blast’em or trick’em I just want to hurl’em into a black hole so this cover can never hurt anyone ever again.
Escape from Monster Mansion
Ugh. . . .this. . . this cover is just. . . I think I just threw up in my eyes. What happens when The Count from Sesame Street and Count Chocula from my breakfast table had a few babies and wrapped them in luscious purple silk? Well those hideous CGI muppets on the cover of this game are what happens. This is why vampires shouldn’t be allowed to have children. When I first looked at this cover I though the gray structure behind that pinkish orc head was the monster’s body but it’s not, it a random flying buttress of some sort. Yes, I know it’s not actually a flying buttress but I have always wanted to use the term in an article so let me have this one, okay internet? I know I might be struck dead for saying this but that float spider near the top, why was this not a bat? You all know of my deep seeded hatred of those little flying mammals but I feel like I was robbed of my proper, bitter due by this cover using a spider instead of a bat. Curse you Escape from Monster Manor! Even when you do not have a bat on the cover you make me think of them. CURSE YOU!
Well boys and girls of The Retroist, it’s time for us to say goodbye to the 3DO and the world of explosions and cut rate 3D models. If you have comments, questions or recommendations for future Cart Arts, feel free to leave them in the comments section or email me at OffisaPups@retorist.com. Stay tuned as next month Cart Art gets scary (well scarier) as it is October and that could only mean monsters and creatures of the nights from all consoles will get their due. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to. . . .um. . . .need to. . . . .POORLY RENDERED EXPLOSION!